Super Bowl LIX: Predictions
A blah match-up may only be surpassed by the worst halftime show ever
To just think, we could have spent the last two weeks preparing ourselves for a Buffalo Bills and Detroit Lions Super Bowl match-up.
We could have been preparing for a Buffalo Bills Super Bowl appearance. The Bills, famously losers of four straight Super Bowls in the ‘90s.
We could have been preparing for a Detroit Lions Super Bowl appearance. The Lions, one of the oldest franchises in the NFL, has never — ever — appeared in what is now 59 straight Super Bowls.
Heck, we could have been preparing for a Washington Redskins Football Team Commanders Super Bowl appearance, a franchise that hasn’t been in the Big Game in 33 years and counting now.
That’s who The People were rooting for. But that’s not what the people got.
Instead, we will be forced to watch (if you chose to) the Kansas City Chiefs, winner of the last two Super Bowls, attempting to make Super Bowl history by becoming the only team ever to win three straight Vince Lombardi Trophies1.
On the opposite sideline will be the Philadelphia Eagles.
I really don’t like the Eagles. I have nothing good to say about them. Okay, I detest them!
That includes their head coach, Nick Sirianni, their fans, the most loud and obnoxious fan bases in all of sports, which makes it easy to root against them, and let’s not forget their head of security, “Big Dom” DiSandro, who looks like he’s on his way to a casting call for The Sopranos immediately following the fourth quarter.
If you looked up the definition of “tool” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure you’d see a picture of Big Dom.
Sadly, one of these teams is destined to win Super Bowl LIX, which I had proposed we call, “Super Bowl Licks,” on social media, but it never caught on.
While the Chiefs sport a 15-2 regular season record, which includes a late-season gimme loss to the Las Vegas Raiders, they were never dominant this season. They won by the skin of their teeth, or with the help of the NFL’s officials on the field and in New York, who have direct communication with the on-field zebras.
The Eagles, meanwhile, after starting 2-2, went on to win 12 of their next 13 games, claiming the NFC East2 crown on the way, and the No. 2 seed in the NFC Conference bracket.
The Eagles are best known for their short-distance play, the Brotherly Shove, or the Tush Push, a modified rugby scrum that has proven nearly so unstoppable that opposing fans, players and owners are crying foul and that the play should be outlawed.
Growing up, I lived for the Super Bowl. It was one of the highlights of my year.
But I distinctly remember the first time I didn’t watch the Super Bowl. It was Super Bowl XXIII.
The Cincinnati Bengals versus the San Francisco 49ers. I didn’t like either of the teams. The Bengals had beaten my AFC favorite, the Buffalo Bills, to clinch their spot in the championship. And meanwhile, the 49ers, already winners of two Super Bowls in the ‘80s, including a win over the same Bengals in Super Bowl XVI, didn’t excite the fan in me.
Instead, I went shopping with my mother, played some Nerf basketball up in my bedroom, and spent time reading Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson’s book, Out of Control: Confessions of an NFL Casualty.
I missed one of the classic finishes in Super Bowl history, up to that point, as QB Joe Montana drove the 49ers 92 yards in less than 3 minutes to score the winning touchdown.
This Super Bowl has a very similar feel to that game, with a successful franchise in the Chiefs, and an unlikable franchise that managed to find a way to the Super Bowl without ever having to confront the No. 1 seed, and America’s Team, the Detroit Lions.
I don’t know if I’ll necessarily be playing Nerf basketball on Sunday, but I won’t be turned into the game. At least not like the last few years.
My wife is planning on bringing my youngest son, who absolutely despises Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, to the movies.
This Super Bowl is so bad, not even the halftime show can save it for me.
Kendrick Lamar? Kendrick Lamar?!
I know who he is, only because I have a 22-year-old son and 21-year-old daughter. I seriously wonder though, what percentage of American viewers will even know who he is, let alone be familiar with his music?
My daughter said people will know him because he won a bunch of Grammys this week. I pointed out the Grammys’ viewership continues to spiral, with only about 15 million viewers for this year’s show.
I doubt many viewers will be familiar with his music (or find it entertaining), and I’m preparing for the blow-back on Monday morning, when cooler talk will be about just how bad the halftime performance was. It may be the historically worst halftime performance, I’m guessing.
With the Super Bowl being in New Orleans, you thought maybe they could have called up Harry Connick Jr.? Branford and Wynton Marsalis? Or Trombone Shorty?
So my prediction? Of course, I have to make a prediction.
I think Kansas City defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo is the key to this game. Spagnuolo is a Hall of Fame defensive coordinator, and this becomes a chess match between him and Jalen Hurts. And for my money, Spags is the best there is.
I think Philly’s D-coordinator and Dunmore, Pa. native Vic Fangio will test Mahomes and head coach Andy Reid, but the Chiefs have too many weapons and the smartest player on the field.
Chiefs win, pulling away in the second half, and everyone will be sick of seeing Taylor Swift celebrating Chiefs first downs, Chiefs touchdowns, and a 45-16 Chiefs victory.
But on the bright side, the Mets re-signed Pete Alonzo, which means baseball season can’t be too far away.
If this happens, ESPN and every other sports-related talk show will debate ad nauseam about who is the best quarterback of all-time: Tom Brady or Patrick Mahomes. They will point to the fact that Brady never won three straight Super Bowls, while conveniently ignoring the fact he won 7.
Winning the NFC East included a combined four games against the New York Giants and Dallas Cowboys, which were two of the most underwhelming franchises this past season.
Completely uninterested in the super bowl this year. I'll have it on, since my wife is big Taylor fan. But otherwise who cares. It feels pre-determined that the Chiefs will get a couple close calls to go there way and get the win. I suppose the only good thing about it is with it being in New Orleans, it's a good excuse to make muffalettas.